Greetings and Happy Monday, everyone! May this blog post bring you what you need in the present moment. May my light exude positivity and kindness, and may my love be extended to all who could use a little extra. Asé! Let's seize the moment!
Because of my busy schedule, my blogs will start aligning with "A Monday Moment with Dr. Mal," my live-streamed episodes on YouTube, Facebook, and Twitch. Check them out at the aforementioned links!
I’m grateful for this very moment to be here with you. May blessings flow abundantly in your life!
Now, you know I love me a good definition, and I'm team #factsoverfeelings, right? So let’s get into it!
Breakups happen in all relationship dynamics, and statistics seem to be more biased to focus on divorce, but I was able to find some stats about relationships in general.
Shoutout to worldmetrics.org for the following statistics about breaking up:
More than 1 million people in the U.S. search Google for "break up advice" every month.
The average length of a relationship before a breakup is roughly 4.3 years.
In a study of 5,705 adults in nearly 100 countries, 75% had experienced a break-up.
People are usually over a breakup in about 11 weeks.
The two- year mark is the most common time to end a relationship.
Around 25% of breakups occur because one partner lied about something significant.
About 50% of couples break up, and then get back together again.
Shoutout to ourworldindata.org for providing the following statistics about marriage and divorce:
In many countries, marriage rates are declining and are currently at the lowest point in recorded history.
An increasing share of people in younger cohorts are not getting married; and younger cohorts are increasingly choosing to marry later in life.
In many countries, declining marriage rates have been accompanied by an increase in the age at which people are getting married. The increase in the age at which people are getting married is stronger in richer countries, particularly in North America and Europe.
Globally, the percentage of women in either marriage or cohabitation is decreasing, but only slightly.
Shoutout to forbes.com for providing the following statistics about divorce:
For marriages ending in divorce, only 43% of first marriages are dissolved. Second and third marriages actually fail at a far higher rate, though, with 60% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages ending in divorce.
In fact, the average length of a marriage prior to divorce is eight years.
Divorce comes at a big cost, with couples spending an average of $7,000 to dissolve their union.
Most marriages (60%)—are first marriages for both partners. But, as many as 20% of unions involve one person who has been married before, while another 20% are repeat marriages for both parties.
In fact, a total of 6% of divorced couples get remarried to each other. When this occurs, the odds of future success are high. A full 72% of reunited couples remain married after reuniting.
Couples who have friends who divorce have a 75% increase in the risk of their marriage ending. Even couples with two degrees of separation from divorce still have a 33% greater risk.
In heteronormative marriage, nearly 7 in 10 marriage dissolutions are initiated by the female partner.
I think it’s worth it to peruse the other statistics listed from all these sources. They’re intriguing!
Topic of the Week:
I toiled over this episode…particularly if I wanted to release it or not. The subject matter alone requires me to get verbally vulnerable, and that’s something that I’ve struggled with for a lifetime. I’ve adopted writing as a way to dump my brain, so writing about it comes easy. But for my soul to speak about it...that's another thing.
As of late, there's been a lot of relationship conversations on social media, and since I'm interested in how humans connect, I've consumed quite a bit of them. Most of it is about navigating relating to others, some of it is about igniting relationships, and some of it is about ending relationships. All three sub-topics have piqued my interest, but I have to say that the one that I've reflected on the most is the ending of relationships. And what I've noticed is that the majority of content speaking about relationship demise has anger as an undercurrent. No surprise, seeing that the anger one feels can function as a reaction to a betrayal or action of the other party. You or your partner, friend, or family member didn't communicate their needs properly, didn't meet expectations, didn't give the same energy to the relationship as the other did, or broke a discussed or assumed commitment. In my observation, people speak more about the demise of romantic relationships, but familial and friend relationships are also discussed. Anger can also show up to mask the fear you feel when you think about how the person you're relating to won't be a part of your life at all or in the same capacity they once were. I've not only see this play out in romantic relationships in other people's life, but also in my own life, both on a primary and secondary basis. As a young child, I experienced secondary trauma from my parents' divorce, and I subconsciously repeated the pattern in my own marriage as we were going through a divorce. In both situations, there was an abundance of love at the beginning and middle, and in divorce or separation, there was an abundance of anger, frustration, negativity, and disdain for the other party.
At this point in my spiritual journey, I’ve found myself wondering how it would change everyone's paradigm if we collectively decided to begin, move through, and let go of love with love.
Love is a such powerful force that shapes our lives in the greatest of ways. It brings joy, fulfillment, and connection, but it can also lead to heartache and sorrow. In fact, love, by its very nature, is paradoxical. It is both binding and liberating, bringing us closer to another person while also helping us discover more about ourselves. So when a relationship ends or someone or something dies outside or inside of you, the pain can feel unbearable because the love flow has intertwined our identities and lives so deeply. That pain you feel is actually love.
However, letting go of love does not have to look like the classic breakup story. It also doesn't mean erasing the memories or negating the feelings once shared between the two of you. Instead, it involves accepting the end of a relationship, shifting the relationship between the two of you to meet your new needs, and all the while, honoring the lessons learned from the relationship.
Here are 5 steps I propose to help you on your journey of letting go of love with love:
Embrace Acceptance
The first step in letting go of love with love is acceptance. This means acknowledging that the relationship has reached its end and that it is time to move forward. Acceptance is not about resigning to defeat but rather understanding that some things are beyond our control. It requires us to be honest with ourselves about the state of the relationship and recognize that clinging to something that no longer serves us can prevent us from finding true happiness. There are no trophies for holding onto dysfunction...this ain't that type of rodeo. This is actually where real personal growth happens...when you find yourself being comfortable with the uncomfortable.
Cultivate Self-Compassion
Letting go of love can bring about a ocean wave of feelings because you’re grieving. During this time, it is crucial to practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a dear friend. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment and allow yourself to grieve the end of the relationship. If you repress it, the feelings will just present themselves as a trigger in another related or unrelated situation. Trust me when I say: you must feel it to heal it!
Find Gratitude
While it may seem counterintuitive, finding gratitude for the relationship and the experiences it brought can be a powerful tool in the process of letting go. Reflect on the positive moments, the lessons learned, and the personal growth that occurred during the relationship. Finding gratitude can help shift your focus from loss to appreciation, making it easier to release the hold that the past has on you.
Open your Heart to Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a crucial component of letting go with love. This includes forgiving your former partner and, importantly, forgiving yourself. Holding onto resentment and anger can keep you stuck in a cycle of pain. Forgiveness does not mean condoning hurtful behavior but rather freeing yourself from the burden of negative emotions. It allows you to move forward with a lighter heart and a clearer mind.
Set Sail Toward the Future
Letting go of love with love opens the door to new possibilities. It creates space for new relationships, new experiences, and new growth. Embrace the uncertainty of the future with an open heart, trusting that the journey ahead holds promise and potential. Allow yourself to dream, to hope, and to believe in the power of love again.
Call to Action: Love Through and Beyond The End!
My call to action for you today is to challenge yourself to think about what it would look like to love through and beyond the end of any relationship. As I've mentioned before, it's possible, especially when you learn to foster a flow of unconditional love for yourself.
Remember that we also have to reframe the way we think about love and relationships. Love is a journey, not a destination. Love is expansive, not possessive. Love is ever flowing, not restrictive. The love you share with someone doesn’t disappear; it transforms. The experiences and memories remain a part of you, contributing to who you are. Recognize that love is an ever-present force in your life, and while it may change forms, it never truly leaves.
Relationships are ever-changing and serve as schools for our souls. With every ending is a new beginning, and with each step forward, you’re creating space for new love and opportunities to enter your life. So, to release a relationship with love just means you learned your lesson. You graduated from that school. Congratulations!
Letting go of love with love is never easy, but it is an essential part of our emotional journey. It’s not about forgetting the past but about embracing the future with an open and loving heart. By approaching this process with love, acceptance, and compassion, we can transform our pain into growth and our loss into wisdom. Don't focus on your losses, focus on the gains, as each experience of love adds depth to who we are and who we'll become. If you don't change your perspective, you may be missing out on the GREATER that's to come in your life!
And to wrap up, I leave you with a quote and a list of affirmations:
Well, that's all for me this week and for the month of July! I'm taking a break from creating shows and living my best life while coasting into 40! I’ll still drop the mic on my new blog subscription “Monday MicDrops” and if you haven’t tuned into my social media for my “A Monday Moment with Dr. Mal,” then you should take the time to catch up! I’m doing a #40Before40 challenge! This summer, I plan to live my very best life, but I’m always working on the next best thing!
Watch for the continued glow up!
Alexa, play “Pray for You” by Jhene Aiko. Love this song for this moment.
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