Greetings and Happy Monday, everyone! May this blog post bring you what you need in the present moment. May my light exude positivity and kindness, and may my love be extended to all who could use a little extra. Asé! Let's seize the moment!
Because of my busy schedule, my blogs will start aligning with "A Monday Moment with Dr. Mal," my live-streamed episodes on YouTube, Facebook, and Twitch. Check them out at the aforementioned links!
I’m grateful for this very moment to be here with you. May blessings flow abundantly in your life!
Now, you know I love me a good definition, and I'm team #factsoverfeelings, right? So let’s get into it! According to dictionary.com, ally comes from a Latin word meaning “to bind to.” In this context, ally is a noun meaning “a person who advocates for or supports a marginalized or politicized group but is not a member of the group.” Today, I’m not giving you an LGBTQIA+ tutorial, but I decided to talk about how to be an authentic ally to members of the LGBTQIA+ community.
For the week’s facts, shoutout to CNN , BBC, Fair Planet, National Sexual Violence Resource Center, and Pew Research Center! As a disclaimer, because so much happened in the 2010s for the gay rights movement here in the US, we can’t forget that there hasn’t always been widely accepted gay rights. In fact, there are only 34 countries in the world where same-sex marriages are legalized. 64 countries criminalize homosexuality, and half of those countries are in Africa. And in 6 countries of the world, homosexuality is still punishable by death.
Although the first legal same-sex marriage took place in 2004, the United States just legalized same-sex marriage to mirror what heterosexual marriages function like in 2015 after a Supreme Court ruling. In December 2022, President Biden signed the Respect for Marriage Act into law, which requires that individual states recognize same-sex and interracial marriages that were lawfully performed in other states.
One of the first sustained gay rights groups in the US was formed in 1950, and not soon after, in April 1952, the American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic manual cited homosexuality as a sociopathic personality disturbance and was not removed from the DSM until 1973.
LGBT people are four times more likely to experience violence in their lifetime than their straight counterparts.
The intersectionality of being a part of two or more marginalized communities can be exhausting. People of color face discrimination WITHIN the LGBTQIA+ community, facing discrimination in representation and intensified bigotry.
A record-breaking number of murders against transgendered people occurred in 2020 — the majority of whom were women of color. They actually are the most vulnerable population and have a life expectancy of just 35 years old.
A significant percentage of lesbian women, gay men, and bisexual men have reported experiencing rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime.
Suicide is a leading cause of death for LGBTQIA+ people ages 10-24, and across their lifespan, LGBTQIA+ people attempt suicide at a disproportionate rate. LGBTQIA+ youth are more than five times more likely to die by suicide than their heterosexual peers.
A significant percentage of homeless LGBTQIA+ youth have reported leaving their homes due to various factors, such as being disowned by their families, being kicked out by their parents, or experiencing abuse at home. LGBTQIA+ adults may encounter obstacles in the adoption process and face disparities in access to healthcare and marriage rights.
I could keep going, but we’d be here all night. The statistics are alarming to read.
This brings me to this week's topic: How to Be An Authentic Ally. This is something that I have worked to be over the last 13 years because I wasn’t always the best ally. My viewpoints of anything that had to do with the LGBTQIA+ community were rooted in the indoctrination of the ritualistic religion I ascribed to…and not knowing and understanding the real root of the religious practice, which is to express love of all parts of the Source Creator despite the differences computed by the 10% of our brain that we have the capacity to use.
For years, I was safe and comfortable in my ritualistically religious way of life, like so many of us are. Whatever the pastor was preaching, I was writing down, including the ages-old rhetoric of it being a sin to be homosexual. It was not until I had an experience where I had to be an ally for one of my 6th-grade students against their parents and the school. To protect their identity, I’ll call them Darby, and out of respect for their possible identity as an adult, I will use they/them as pronouns.
It was 2011, and even though this doesn’t seem that long ago, we societally were not where we are now with gay rights. The movement was gaining steam because it was not until President Obama’s presidency that a leader of the free world even said they supported LGBTQIA+ rights. I had just started teaching middle school, and I knew none of the kids, so I had to take attendance in every class. At that time, kids didn’t tell you the pronoun they identified with, so it was common practice to match their pronoun to their sex. No questions asked. But, looking back, I never even paid attention to the M and F next to students’ names on the attendance sheet because I just assumed their sex by how they presented themselves. And that was the case with Darby. They had a unisex name and presented as male, so when I used ‘he/him,’ they did not correct me. But I was using ‘he/him’ because that’s what I genuinely thought their pronouns were… until the day Darby was absent. I called attendance, and when the other students said, “absent,” I said, “he’s not here?”
Then, one of the students said, “Mrs. McCoy, Darby is a girl.” My heart dropped into my stomach because of embarrassment, and I quickly moved on. But when Darby returned the next class period, I waited until after class to ask them to my office. I retold the story to Darby and expressed my embarrassment because I didn’t know, and they broke down crying. Darby expressed that they never corrected me because they LOVED that I used he/him in reference to them. Well, at that moment, I started crying too. They asked me to keep using those pronouns, and I agreed.
I was relieved that I wasn’t offensive to them, but I also wanted to make sure I didn’t “get in trouble,” so I asked them to go with me to the counselor’s office. We both needed to get our feelings out, so why not? Well, we got there, and I quickly found out that this was not a new issue, and yet again, Darby’s pronoun change was shut down by the counselor after speaking on the phone with their parents. Their parents didn’t want them to change their pronouns. And told us to use what’s on the computer. We were both crying again. I could see the visible hurt all over them because they couldn’t be themselves. And I dragged them into this office to hear AGAIN that they could not be themself. Because it’s my job to make students feel safe and respected in the classroom, I continued to honor the student’s request. I actually started to change how I addressed students by using pronouns less and less. It was hard and still is hard, especially in choral situations. But I’m navigating through it.
I have to point out a commonality that is highlighted in this situation: not only was homophobia at play, but also ageism. I’ve heard people say, “how is it possible they know who they are when they’re so young?” My rebuttal is that we’re all figuring out our way, and the discovery process should be respected. That’s another show for another day.
Unfortunately, there’s no certification for authenticity when being an ally, but if you take any of the following steps and keep love at the forefront, you’ll be well on your way! Being an ally goes beyond just expressing support; it involves taking concrete actions to advocate for equality and amplify marginalized voices. Here are some immediate actions you can take:
Educate Yourself- One of the first steps in becoming an authentic ally is to educate yourself about LGBTQ+ issues. We fear what we don’t understand, so take the time to learn about the diverse identities within the community, including terminology, history, and current challenges. There are plenty of resources available, including books, articles, documentaries, and online courses. Y’all, the internet is free. By educating yourself, you can better understand the experiences and perspectives of LGBTQ+ individuals and avoid making assumptions or perpetuating stereotypes.
Listen and Learn- Listening to the stories and experiences of LGBTQ+ individuals is essential for allyship. Take the time to actively listen without judgment or defensiveness. We’re humans, and it’s hard not to judge others, but it requires emotional and spiritual maturity to do so. Respect their lived experiences and validate their feelings. Engage in meaningful conversations and ask questions respectfully to deepen your understanding. Remember that everyone's journey is unique, and it's important to approach each interaction with empathy and openness.
Speak Up and Take Action- As an ally, it's crucial to use your voice and privilege to advocate for LGBTQ+ rights and equality. My own intersectionality is complex, but I do have societal privilege in this arena. Speak up against discrimination, prejudice, and injustice whenever you encounter it, whether in your workplace, community, or social circles. Challenge homophobic, transphobic, or derogatory language and behavior when you witness it, and be prepared to educate others on why such language is harmful. Additionally, take concrete actions to support LGBTQ+ causes and organizations. This could involve volunteering your time, donating money, or participating in advocacy campaigns. Use your platform and influence to raise awareness and amplify the voices of LGBTQ+ activists and advocates. You choose whatever works for you.
Respect Pronouns and Identities- Respecting people's pronouns and identities is a fundamental aspect of allyship. Always use the correct pronouns and gender identities that individuals prefer, and avoid making assumptions based on appearance or stereotypes. If you're unsure about someone's pronouns, it's okay to politely ask for clarification. Making an effort to use inclusive language and respect people's identities fosters a more welcoming and affirming environment for everyone. But for my students sharing their pronouns, if you share your pronouns with me when I first meet you and then change them at some point, don’t send your anger my way. I can’t do it. I don’t even see you every day. (LAUGHING BUT VERY SERIOUS)
Create Inclusive Spaces- As an ally, you have the power to create inclusive spaces where LGBTQ+ individuals feel safe, valued, and respected. This could involve advocating for LGBTQ+ inclusion in your workplace, school, religious institution, or community organization. Promote policies and practices that support diversity and inclusion, such as gender-neutral bathrooms, inclusive healthcare services, and LGBTQ+ inclusive curriculum. I actually prefer the gender-neutral bathrooms at my son’s school and in the airport because the doors go from top to bottom! No peeping or listening to others while they use the restroom!
Reflect and Grow- Finally, allyship is an ongoing journey that requires self-reflection and growth. Take the time to reflect on your own biases, privileges, and areas where you can improve as an ally. Be open to feedback from LGBTQ+ individuals and be willing to acknowledge and learn from your mistakes. Remember that allyship is about solidarity, not saviorism, and it's essential to approach it with humility and a willingness to listen and learn. And really, what’s life without learning?
Call to Action: Treat People Like People
Together, we can build a world where everyone is free to live authentically and without fear of discrimination or prejudice. As I said, it is the puny 10% of our brains that creates separatism. Although we all have differing characteristics, our hearts beat just the same, the blood flows through our bodies just the same, and breath connects us all. Love, kindness, compassion, respect, and deep empathy are the vibrations we should extend to others because not only do we want others to extend that to us, but it just makes your soul feel lighter to extend these virtues to others. And that’s how we fight all the negative energies in the world…with the opposite vibration. You can start by simply treating people like people.
You can learn best how to treat people by learning how to physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually give yourself the love, kindness, compassion, respect, and deep empathy you seek to give others. This applies to many situations…#freepalestine
Bottom line: Stop asking and assuming where people where they’re from, how old or young they are, what religion they practice or don’t practice, who or what do they identify as, and what’s their sexual orientation, and ask who are they to people and better yet, who are they to themselves? Your vibes speak louder than words, so may your ego’s superiority complex experience a swift and painless death. Periodt!
And to wrap up, I leave you with a quote and a list of affirmations:
Well, that's all for me this week! In honor of travel season, join me for next week’s blog entitled “Solo or Group Travel? That IS the Question!” I think it’s a worthy topic to talk about, especially if you’re planning trips with someone that you don’t share the same space.
Well, that's all for me this week!
Alexa, play “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga! I love this song, and it’s incredibly fitting!
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