My eternal gift that keeps on giving turns 6 today! Oh, my heart be still! 😭
It feels like yesterday that I was yelling for the anesthesiologist to get to my hospital room to give me an epidural. I felt those contractions for 30 minutes and almost passed out due to my very low tolerance for pain (now that I know what I know, I would've had a Doula and midwife for the assist).
I swore I was ready for parenthood. I got married at 25, was financially stable, and according to societal standards, it was the next thing to do after marrying. So, we intentionally tried to get pregnant for about 5 years and eventually learned that my partner and I had fertility issues. We learned that the possibility of getting pregnant naturally was not possible, so we opted for the IVF process (more about that in a later blog post).
I was 33 by the time I got pregnant with Raymond II, and when he was born, he was under a Capricorn sun and moon, surrounded in love and peace by family and friends close by. Although abundantly blessed with all the resources to maintain this child’s life, I didn’t know what was to come. I quickly learned that I WASN’T ready (in my best Kevin Hart voice).
Smiles, cries, postpartum recovery from a blood clot the full length of my left leg, blow out diapers, raspberries, sleepless nights, breastfeeding difficulties due to possible tongue/lip ties, dreamfeeding, growing a beautiful mother-son connection, possible postpartum depression (I’m a great actress, and it’s a trauma response to pretend everything is ok), heightened anxiety (due to not trusting others with him and wanting to make sure he was safe and ok), full-time teaching and coming home to be a full-time parent (literally a 24 hour job), pumping so he can eat enough at daycare, co-sleeping, diapers, countless ear infections, hospital visits, developmental delays, numerous doctor’s appointments and co-pays, ear tube surgeries, bloodwork, autism diagnosis, becoming an autism advocate without knowing much about it, a growing distance between his father and I, potty-training (still in progress), trying my best to not fall into comparing RII’s milestones with other children, trying not to compare my postpartum body to anyone else’s postpartum body, daycare costs, pull-ups, tantrums, pinches, disagreements about what to feed RII, completely losing myself, and so many other factors made my journey in parenthood quite challenging.
My recent obstacle has been to know what he truly knows. I JUST learned on DECEMBER 1ST that he knows the alphabet. I later learned that he knows his colors AND numbers too. No one in his life knew that, and I accidentally discovered it. I am so happy to know that he’s able to recognize the alphabet, letters, and numbers, but because he doesn’t speak with words, I am sad because I don’t know all the parts of his mind, what he knows, and what vocabulary I can even program the buttons on his talking device so he can communicate more expansively. However, I’m giving myself grace and vowing to hold space for my baby to continue enlightening me as we move through life together.
Here's the video of that discovery (I had already asked him about a few of his favorite letters, but when I started asking him about other letters and he knew them, I had to start recording):
Here's a video of him killing the letter identification game a week later!
It goes without saying... I’ve learned SO much in these last 6 years. I wouldn’t trade my experience for any other experience. Despite the challenges, being Raymond II’s mom has been the greatest gift ever given to me. I’m honored his soul chose me to mother him during his earthly experience. I've also learned and am continuing to practice the exact lessons my soul came here to conquer (patience, mindfulness, humility, and consistency). He is so beautiful to me and will always be. Every day, I look at him enamored and amazed, and I’m always thinking, "We created this beautiful little human being, my body nourished you, and my mind continually shapes you into who you are." Although he's non-verbal, he can call me "Mom", and that melts me. We have climbed every mountain and conquered every obstacle given to us and will continue to do so. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever know that you would be what I needed... and I don't ever want to know a life without you in it.
Alexa, play my version of “Beautiful Boy” on my YouTube Channel. (Linked Below)
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