Greetings and Happy Monday, everyone! May this blog post bring you what you need in the present moment. May my light exude positivity and kindness, and may my love be extended to all who could use a little extra. Asé! Let's seize the moment!
Because of my busy schedule, my blogs will start aligning with "A Monday Moment with Mal," my live-streamed episodes on YouTube, Facebook, and Twitch. Check them out at the aforementioned links!
I’m grateful for this very moment to be here with you. May blessings flow abundantly in your life!
Now, you know I love me a good definition, and I'm team #factsoverfeelings, right? So, let’s get into it!
You should ALL know one thing: I am a lifelong student of Iyanla Vanzant! She may not know it, but I love listening to her wisdom on any soundbite I get from her. I’ve especially loved listening to her podcast “The R Spot,” which can be found on any platform where podcasts are streamed. I listen to her on Apple Podcasts because I’m #teamApple all day!
I would encourage you to listen to all of her podcasts, as it’s free therapy and free game. Still, the episode that’s relevant to today’s discussion is Episode 20, entitled “Men Have Feelings Too,” where she speaks with a father who was former military and expresses that he’s struggling with a divorce. He also expresses his worry that his two adult children weren’t given a good life and may end up resenting him for his choice to leave their mother, even though it was best for him. At 9:30, she talked about four types of parents: the Drill Sargeant Parent (Do it because I said So), the “Make ‘Em Happy” Parent (Ok, I give in. Whatever makes you happy, I will do it), the Inaccessible/Unresponsive Parent (Look, go on somewhere and leave me alone), and the Responsible Parent (Ok, I’ll be with you in one second… come tell me what the problem is). She gave great advice to the caller, but I found myself listening to this episode a couple of times because it gave me something to process: what type of parent am I?
So, upon further research, I learned that this work originates with Dr. Diana Baumrind and researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin. The four types of parenting are reflected in this chart: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved. The different parenting styles can have different effects on kids' behavior. You can tell which style a parent uses certain traits and degrees of responsiveness (how warm and aware parents are of their kids' needs) and demandingness (how much control parents try to exert over their kids' behavior).
1. The Permissive Parent
Common traits:
High responsiveness, low demandingness
Communicates openly and usually lets their kids decide for themselves rather than giving direction
Rules and expectations are either not set or rarely enforced
Typically goes to great lengths to keep their kids happy, sometimes at their own expense
Permissive parents are easy to get along with and are more likely to act like friends with their kids instead of parents. They try to avoid arguments and often give in to their kids' cries at the first sign of trouble. These parents don't tell their kids what to do and let them do what they want.
2. The Authoritative Parent
Common traits:
High responsiveness, high demandingness
Sets clear rules and expectations for their kids while practicing flexibility and understanding
Communicates frequently; they listen to and take into consideration their children’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions
Allows natural consequences to occur (e.g., kid fails quiz when they didn’t study), but uses those opportunities to help their kids reflect and learn
Parents who are authoritative care for and support their kids and are often aware of what those needs are. They teach their kids principles and how to think through open and honest conversations. Children whose parents are strict are often self-disciplined and can think for themselves.
3. The Neglectful Parent
Common traits:
Low responsiveness, low demandingness
Lets their kids mostly fend for themselves, perhaps because they are indifferent to their needs or are uninvolved/overwhelmed with other things
Offers little nurturance, guidance, and attention
Often struggle with their own self-esteem issues and have a hard time forming close relationships
This type of parenting, sometimes called "uninvolved parenting," is characterized by a general lack of interest. Neglectful parents don't spend much time with their kids and don't follow the rules very often. People may also think of them as cold and uncaring, but that's not always on purpose because they are probably dealing with their own problems.
4. The Authoritarian Parent
Common traits:
High demandingness, low responsiveness
Enforces strict rules with little consideration of their kid’s feelings or social-emotional and behavioral needs
Uses phrases like “because I said so” when their kid questions the reasons behind a rule or consequence
Communication is mostly one-way — from parent to child
This parenting style is characterized by strict punishment, often rationalized as "tough love." Authoritarian parents frequently engage in one-sided communication with their children, seeking to maintain complete control and disregarding any input or feedback.
Of course, all of these exist on a continuum, and no one falls into one completely into one space. Also, the type of parent that you see yourself as being may not be the way your partner or others see you as a parent. Speaking of partnership, I don’t think there’s a way to determine what type of parent you will be before you are a parent, but I think it’s worthwhile for you and your partner to at least project what type of parent you envision yourself being…some of us try to emulate our parents because if it worked with you, then SURELY it will work for your offspring. Well, that’s not the case. You have to find out what works with each of your human offspring. I say ‘human offspring’ because my human parenting style is similar to my dog parenting style in that I ensure that my offspring have grandiose lived experiences. However, I was much more authoritarian with my dogs. I say all that to say that parenting is completely experiential!
So, what does research suggest? It suggests that authoritative parents are more likely to raise independent, self-reliant, and socially competent kids. While children of authoritative parents are not immune to mental health issues, relationship difficulties, substance abuse, poor self-regulation, or low self-esteem, these traits are more commonly seen in children of parents who strictly employ authoritarian, permissive, or uninvolved parenting styles.
In my personal reflection, I know that as a parent, I am highly responsive and have variable demandingness. I sit somewhere in between authoritative and permissive. The degree to which anyone is responsive and demanding is subjective to the person experiencing and witnessing it, so I give myself grace in this space. My current partner, family, and friends might have something else to say about my parenting style. I don’t care because that’s MY baby!
This week, I challenge you to reflect on your parenting practices and ask yourself: what type of parent are you? Does it coincide with the type of parenting style your child thrives in? And make the necessary modifications to promote a wholesome parent-child experience. They don’t have time for you to get it together! You will blink your eyes and they will be all grown up, trying to heal from what they endured BECAUSE of what they went through with you. And I’m preaching to the choir AND me with that one!
DM me if you care to share what comes up for you when reflecting on your own parenting style.
And to wrap up, I leave you with quotes and a list of affirmations:
Well, that's all for me this week! I will run replays of two of my favorite shows for the next two weeks as I prepare for my defense on May 1st. Tune in to relive the moments! :) The first one up: Gaslighting Your Gut.
Until then, love and peace to all of you! Have the best week!
Alexa, play “Universal Child” by Annie Lennox. It’s a beautiful song about pouring love into an innocent child that has already seen so much.
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