Greetings, Happy Monday, and Happy Solar Eclipse Day, everyone! May this blog post bring you what you need in the present moment. My love is extended to all who could use a little extra, and may my light exude positivity and kindness. Asé! Let's seize the moment!
Because of my busy schedule, my blogs will start aligning with "A Monday Moment with Mal," my live-streamed episodes on YouTube, Facebook, and Twitch. Check them out at the aforementioned links!
I’m grateful for this very moment to be here with you. May blessings flow abundantly in your life!
Now, you know I love me a good definition, and I'm team #factsoverfeelings, right? So, let’s get into it!
According to dictionary.com, the word parent functions as a noun, adjective, AND verb.
Noun: father or mother, an ancestor, precursor, or progenitor. a source, origin, or cause, a protector or guardian.
Adjective: being the original source
Verb: to be or act as parent of
Shoutout to The Pew Research Center for researching Parenting in America. The research was conducted September 20-October 2, 2022, and was released in January 2023. This is important because anyone who has parented after the pandemic knows parenting has changed drastically. Also, the sample size was based on the responses of 3,757 U.S. parents with children under age 18 and with random address samplings to ensure that all demographics were able to and did participate.
There were many relatable statistics revealed with this research, but here are the stats I felt most pertinent:
In the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic and amid reports of a growing youth mental health crisis, four in ten U.S. parents with children younger than 18 say they are extremely or very worried that their children might struggle with anxiety or depression at some point. Mental health concerns top the list of parental worries, followed by 35% who are similarly concerned about their children being bullied.
By significant margins, mothers are more likely than fathers to worry about most of these things. There are also differences by income and by race and ethnicity, with lower-income and Hispanic parents generally more likely than other parents to worry about their children’s physical safety, teen pregnancy, and problems with drugs and alcohol. Black and Hispanic parents are more likely than White and Asian parents to say they are extremely or very worried about their children getting shot or getting in trouble with the police.
When asked about their aspirations for their children when they reach adulthood, parents prioritize financial independence and career satisfaction. Roughly nine in ten parents say it’s extremely or very important to them that their children be financially independent when they are adults, and the same share says it’s equally important that their children have jobs or careers they enjoy. About four in ten (41%) say it’s extremely or very important to them that their children earn a college degree, while smaller shares place a lot of importance on their children eventually becoming parents (20%) and getting married (21%). There are sharp differences by race and ethnicity when it comes to the importance parents place on their children graduating from college: 70% of Asian parents say this is extremely or very important to them, compared with 57% of Hispanic parents, 51% of Black parents, and just 29% of White parents.
The most significant statistic for me to take away from this research is how parents feel about parenting. According to the research, 62% of parents said being a parent has been at least somewhat harder than expected, with about 26% saying it’s been much harder. This is especially true of mothers, 30% of whom say being a parent has been harder than expected (compared with 20% of fathers).
At the same time, most parents give themselves high marks for the job they’re doing, with 64% saying they do an excellent or very good job as a parent; 32% say they do a good job, while just 4% say they do an only fair or poor job as a parent. Mothers and fathers give themselves similarly high ratings. Still, there are differences by income and by race and ethnicity (upper-income and Black and White parents are the most likely to say they do an excellent or very good job).
While a relatively small share of parents place a high level of importance on their own children having children one day, the vast majority – including among mothers and fathers and across income and racial and ethnic groups – describe being a parent as the most (30%) or one of the most (57%) important aspects to who they are as a person. Mothers (35%) are more likely than fathers (24%) to say being a parent is the most important aspect. And Black (42%) and Hispanic (38%) parents are more likely than White (25%) or Asian (24%) parents to say the same.
All of the research is worth looking at by anyone, but especially if you are a parent. You will find that the more we think we are different, the more we are the same.
I struggled with the direction of this week’s topic because I wanted to ensure that I fully encompassed not only my feelings but also included parenting facts. And I wanted to ensure that I captured ALL my feelings, not just my temporary ones. Therefore, a show entitled “Ughhh! Parenting!” Or “Parenting Sucks” would not have been the best titles to have for a show because I don't feel like that most of the time. Most of the time, I feel blessed that I am a parent. My love for my son goes beyond any word I can use in the English dictionary; in fact, saying that I love him even feels restrictive. He is literally a gift from Source, and I know our souls were meant to move through this part of the greater timeline together. So much so that sometimes I struggle to think about what happened in my life before he was a part of it. But I wasn’t prepared to parent. Even with the extensive “parenting” experience I wrote about in a blog last year, even though I was financially stable and in a marriage, I still wasn’t ready. When he became a part of my life, EVERYTHING shifted for me because my life became all about him and learning how to parent him. Google was literally my midwife and postpartum doula! And because I became a parent, I lost myself (and my marriage) for at least 2 1/2 years. It was 2 1/2 years of haze, and I woke up to myself. That was certainly a wild ride. Sometimes, I just need a day or two or WEEK off from parenting! I no longer feel guilty for feeling that way.
I digress because today, I wanted to tell you some lessons I’ve learned as a mom. Disclaimer: you will find that these lessons are void of directly referring to the skills and traits of parents because the skills and traits of parenting parallel the skills and traits of basic relationship skills. These lessons may encompass them, but they are beyond the scope of the basics.
If you're doing the best you can, YOU are doing the BEST you can. Society makes us comparative and envious of others, and social media has only made it worse! You used to only try to keep up with others on your block or in your city. The pressure of trying to keep up with everybody in the world is exhausting! The reality of the matter is that everyone is out here struggling... I don’t care what social media makes it look like! Some of us have it easier than others, but the struggle is still real. And us trying to master the art of parenting is no exception. There's no manual to help you parent. You literally have to parent in the best interest of the child that you're parenting. You can have multiple children, and there will be some things that work with all of them, and there will be some things that only work with one. Give yourself grace as you navigate these uncharted waters. We’re all in the struggle together!
If you can't be the best you can, don’t hesitate to ask for help. When you don't ask for help, the child is the one that suffers. They don’t ask to be here, so if they are here, they deserve our best. you don’t know how many children have asked to come home with me throughout my teaching career. Ultimately, if you don’t have the resources to care for your child, find someone who does or has the knowledge. Love is stronger than pride.
You have to give yourself oxygen first. If you’re dying, you can’t help anyone else. And yes, I’m talking about physical death, but also mental death, emotional death, social death, and soul death. I first put this into practice when I quit my career job of 14 years. But then, I started applying it to every other facet of my life, like an artist putting paint on a canvas. So now, I’m intentional about my time being away from parenting. It’s so important. Everybody needs a break, and when you’re your best self, you can give others your best self, including your children. Which takes me to my next point…
It truly takes a village to raise a child. So many of us, especially us millennials, choose to do all the adult things by ourselves or with minimal help. The truth is we’re choosing to do this…. And we don’t have to! I get it. There may be some trust issues. That’s my largest issue with building my village. I know my son's needs, and I know how to meet his needs I'm aware of, but there are only a few more people in his life outside of myself who want to be a part of his life and take the time to learn what he needs. But most people don’t try to learn from or understand him in the way that he needs them to understand. They try to use a one-size-fits-all parenting style for him and want him to conform to them to make them feel comfortable. So, to protect him, I keep him mostly to myself. But I want a larger village for him, so I'm working on that. I truly believe that everyone thrives when everybody thrives!
Children learn what they live. I came across this Dorothy Law Nolte poem in one of my undergraduate classes, and it stuck with me as I’ve navigated life with children AND adults.
And while going back to find this poem, I learned that there is a version for teenagers that exists:
So, this week, my call to action is for you
to reflect on your parenting skills. Where areas do you glow in? What areas can you grow in? And for your grows, who can help you with your grows?
Remember you are not alone, and give yourself some grace. Manifest the assistance you need in your life.
And to wrap up, I leave you with quotes and a list of affirmations:
Well, that's all for me this week! Tune in next week for a show entitled “What Type of Parent Are You?”.
Until then, love and peace to all of you! Have the best week!
Alexa, play “Cat’s in The Cradle” by Harry Chapin. My daddy used to sing this to me, and it reminds me to make sure to live every moment with my son.
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