Literally. The personification of it all sounds a bit cliche to say, but I’d be lying if I didn’t owe my life to music.
I have unconsciously blocked out some of my childhood events because they were traumatic, but when I recall the pleasant ones, I can remember that some had to do with music.
The house that we’re at was my grandma’s good friend Ms. Katherine McClanahan. We’d go visit her from time to time. I can still remember the smell of her house. I remember loving to go visit her because she had a huge organ in one of her many living rooms (when you’re little, everything is much larger, but her house had TWO sitting areas…one formal and one not formal). Her organ had two rows of keyboards and all the foot pedals. We didn’t have any idea what to do with that thing, but she let us play it. We’d get in trouble if we turned it up too loud while the adults were talking, but they still let us play. I was completely invested! At some point, I ended up with a small organ in the basement of my grandma’s house, and if I remember correctly, it was Ms. Katherine that gave us her organ because no one was playing it at her house.
I remember one day, I learned “Twinkle, Twinkle” on that organ by ear and was so proud of myself. I wanted my grandma to hear me play, but she was busy with laundry. So, my impatient self stomped to a wall phone and called 911. I was in tears telling them that my grandma wouldn’t listen to me play. So, the cops showed up…and brought CPS with them. They took us into our bedroom and checked us for any signs of abuse. My grandma was beyond PISSED. I surely got a whooping that night after the authorities left. I don’t have a clear memory, but I already know.
The pride of my life when I was in elementary school was being in choir. I specifically remember being in a choir called Starburst when I was in the 3rd grade. You couldn’t tell me nothing about performing because it was everything to me!
We got to ride in the parade, and we had many performances. To this day, I can still sing some songs from our performances! I even have my choir shirt from that year (and I can still fit it too)! That’s how impactful it was to me.
⬇️Me singing the Little Richard version of "'Itsy Bitsy Spider" for my mom. I was in elementary school,I have so many questions about this video... 🤣⬇️
In middle school, I started to get shy, but I still loved to sing. I had a breakthrough moment during the 8th Grade Talent Show. I sang in front of the whole school in the gym and received a standing ovation. My mom recorded it on VHS and recently sent a recording from her phone to me (I’ll edit it when I find it). It was a pivotal moment in my life and gave me so much confidence!
I started HS in a community that was foreign to me. I lived in Wentzville my whole life, and I started HS with strangers. I used that time to reinvent myself. That summer, I attended band camp, made some friends, and started school as who I established myself to be. I became involved in show choir during my sophomore year, and THAT experience set my trajectory to become a star! Here is some footage from an open rehearsal during my sophomore year.
Being in Show Choir and Marching Band, I was having experiences I'd never had up to that point. I was at school from sun up to sun down most days. This allowed me to have a break away from their other side of myself: a broken girl whose boundaries were violated at a young age, and now, I was figuratively attempting to run away from my childhood trauma and searching for "love" from the random sexual experiences I was having with people who didn't care about me (I'll elaborate in another post). And that happened on the weekends I wasn't on a band or show choir trip or with my friends that weren't involved with those two groups.
High School Show Choir Rehearsal Footage my mom attended and recorded with her VHS camcorder...then sent it to me recently with her cell phone.
Being a part of Show Choir was truly a life-pivoting moment for me! I lived for the stage.
I had rich musical experiences in college as well. My favorite times include singing at The Quality Hill Playhouse with Molly Jessup and a fabulous cast and performing in musicals and talent shows. I also enjoyed being a part of TWO summer shows at the Muny in Forest Park in STL in 2006. I met a host of lifelong friends and was in the presence of future STARS.
That is why I say music saved me. I’ve personified it to fit my narrative. But really, it was the fortress of community, experiences, love, and joy built around me by my musical experiences.
I knew what I wanted to be when I was younger, but it became really hard for me to decide my trajectory as I got older. People around me projected that I should be a music teacher or someone famous. In hindsight, I didn’t know that I necessarily believed I could become famous, so I settled on being a music teacher.
Through teaching music, I cast a wide net of influence on many students in the district I taught in and beyond. I met so many people, young and old, that have had a lifelong impact, taught me lessons I needed to learn in this life, and influenced/challenged/instilled in me the light of excellence and power. The greater part of my job was building a trusting relationship with my students so that they could share such a sacred part of themselves with me.
And even now, I know the power of music goes beyond what we actually can conceptualize. Music has the ability to travel to the innermost parts of you... Literally touching you in a way no one or nothing can ever do. The intimacy it creates is seen in no other thing on this earth, even superseding intercourse. Voice (our first instrument) is the most intimate instrument of all. One's voice is a spiritual portal, connecting to the depths of one's soul. When the voice is used, the fingerprint of the soul is exposed. (It's like standing in the mirror, naked, examining and critiquing yourself, and learning to love everything that comes with being you). And when you get the confidence to use your voice in front of others, you open up your soul to being critiqued by family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers alike. Words of praise and critique will stick to that person's soul like glue (that's why it's important to be careful with our words).
When a choir sings, they have to use this spiritual essence that they may or may not be comfortable with to physically, emotionally, and spiritually connect with each other and the conductor to convey the music to the audience...how their souls feel it. Once you've been connected in that way, you're never disconnected for the rest of your life because that moment/those moments have attached to your SOUL.
⬇️Kindergarten giving me what they have got a music program! ❤️⬇️
That’s why teaching music has brought me so much joy for the last 14 years. Every time I stepped onto the podium to command the souls standing in front of me, I felt an immense responsibility to take great care of the voices extending to my ear and beyond to capture the minds, hearts, and souls of those who listen. Through music, I’ve been able to impact many students and their families, and I’m thankful every time one tells me how impactful I’ve been in their lives.
My conducting hand is not over, and my solo singing career is just starting! I’m excited about my musical future!
"If music be the food of love, sing on, sing on, Sing on 'till I am filled with joy." - Shakespeare/Dickau
Alexa, play “Please Don’t Stop The Music” by Rihanna
Komentáře