Greetings to my festive people! Y’all, I’ve been absent for a minute because I’ve been focused on writing this dissertation. Whew…I can’t WAIT to be done with it all! It’s the heaviest academic mental load I’ve ever had to carry, but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. For those of you who know, I should be able to submit my first three chapters to the IRB and get it approved before January 1st, conduct my survey research soon after, and defend/graduate by May 2024! #drmalcomingrightup I can’t wait to live life on the other side of it all. In the meantime, I’m incredibly grateful for the present moment.
(Special shoutout to my housemates, the Raymonds, for tolerating me not being as present as I could be if I didn’t have this daunting task before me. I’ll be done soon! Thank you for your patience and love! XOXO)
As you already know, a holiday break just came and went. Yup, I’m talking about Thanksgiving. And even though I no longer “celebrate” Thanksgiving in the traditional sense, I recognize that there’s a built-in break from the hustle and bustle of the everyday grind that can be used in a myriad of ways. I was able to deep clean my house which has been neglected since I’ve been on this dissertation grind, declutter some spaces, and organize messes around my house. It felt great to just be able to focus on that. Sometimes, one’s space can reflect one’s mind. In my case, that’s definitely true. Not that I don’t have a whole other adult in my house that’s capable, but his “clean” ain’t my clean.🗣️WHO HEARS ME OUT THERE? 🤣 #wifelife
On Tuesday, I made some traditional Thanksgiving food the vegan way (despite the fact that I never eat like that in my day-to-day). Candied yams, vegan mac and cheese, cabbage and kale, vegan “honey” cornbread ⬅️ sub agave nectar, vegan sweet potato pies, and jackfruit BBQ meatballs (they were good, but weren’t needed). All were yummy, but that was probably the last time I made something like that unless I was inviting others over. I also was able to take my son to the indoor pool and jump park. He had a Trampoline and Tumbling class on Friday evening. I got to wake up two mornings in a Raymond sandwich, and I loved and cherished those few moments together in bed with my guys before actually rising. On Thursday, we did get to spend a few hours with Raymond’s family at our cousin’s house. It was a great time of fellowship and love. Friday, I got to get my life with my sister Nicole and MARIAH CAREY! Dream come true! Saturday, we watched as he first snowflakes fell in KC, and today, we watched it melt away.
Despite all the fun I had, there was an emptiness inside me that I just couldn't shake. My side of the family lives on the other side of the state, and for years, we’ve made an internal “home” decision to spend one major holiday break at MY “home” for one of the holidays and spend the other in Kansas City with my in-laws. We’ve gone back and forth for years. But it’s come to a point where my family is no longer intentional about getting us together. And it’s not just for the holidays, but for ANYTHING. And it’s heartbreaking. I yearn for intentionality around healing from what prevents us from getting together and the courage to have hard conversations to be able to move forward. I can be selfish and want things only for me (darn astrological programming ♌️♌️♐️), but really, I don’t want this for me as much as I want it for my son and my nieces and nephews. Why should they lack interaction with their family because the older folk can’t get it together? I'm not blaming anyone, as it's a collective effort. We're just not doing a great job.
In conversations with the elders, I’ve heard the grief carefully woven into their stories of what USED to be and what USED to happen in their lives around this time. I’ve also seen the sorrow marked in their eyes when they sigh and say, “Man, things sure ain’t what they used to be.” And maybe I’m starting to grieve what used to be and feel the sorrow they felt. I mean, I AM pushing 40. I also hear that people can choose to make their own family traditions. I mean, I already do that. No one is plant-based, so my household already functions on an island of its own. I made a whole family meal for two people to eat for a few days.
Relatable Tangent: A beautiful lady I sat next to at the Audra McDonald concert I attended in September dropped wisdom on me that I didn’t know I needed but needed at this moment. For the record, I can spark a conversation with anyone, and because I bought a solo ticket to the concert and SHE bought a solo ticket, AND we sat next to each other, we were there TOGETHER! LOL Anyway, we talked about where we were from, and she talked about being born and raised in Detroit, but since she had been in Kansas City longer than she had lived in Detroit, she considered Kansas City her hometown. It was at THAT moment that I realized that I had also lived in Kansas City longer than I ever lived in any part of St. Louis. It's time I accept Kansas City, MO as my home. There are parts of the St. Louis area I barely recognize, and my whole adult life has been spent in KCMO. My childhood traumas are there, and I tried my very best to leave them in STL, but they still haunt me here from time to time. There are people I love that live there, but the people I spend my everyday with are here in Kansas City.
So I beg the question: what does HOME even mean?
With that, I’d have to beg many other musings: What is LOVE? What is SUCCESS? What is MARRIAGE? What is HAPPINESS? What is PARENTING? What is a RELATIONSHIP? The list of all the subjective qualifiers and quantifiers goes on.
*Insert Heavy Sigh*
To impart my opinion to my own musing, a home can be a physical building that functions as a home, but it doesn't have to be. I've felt at home on stage, I've felt at home in my lover's arms, I've felt at home in the classroom, I've felt at home on the beach. Wherever love, safety, trust, cleanliness, joy, and peace exist, I could easily feel at home there.
Chime in: what does HOME mean to you?
Alexa, play "Home" by Stephanie Mills.
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