I know you read the title and thought: how do school supplies make you anxious? I have to give you a little story for a backdrop.
A few days after the 4th of July holiday, I walked into Wal-Mart looking for a pool noodle. My son, Raymond II (RII), did so well with swim lessons while he had a pool noodle under his arms, so I wanted one to practice with him at our neighborhood pool. Well, I came in through the Lawn and Garden section because the toys are in the next session. I searched for swim stuff and...nothing. Something told me to check out the seasonal section in the front of the store… Lo and behold, I saw a few Walmart associates changing the seasonal display from Fourth of July items to...SCHOOL SUPPLIES.
OK, in the next minute, I went through a number of emotions with the following dialogue:
“Ugh. Not in July!”
"Why are they putting school supplies out RIGHT NOW?"
“It’s too early!”
“I don’t want my summer to end.”
I felt my body and face tense up at the sight of employees simply changing a seasonal display
from summer items to
SCHOOL SUPPLIES.
A physiological response to school supplies, y’all.
Then, I had to check myself and my emotions, as this year, “going back to school” doesn’t apply to me... I resigned from my position. Also, I thought I’d start my son in Kindergarten, but I don’t think that’s the best thing for him. In conversing with another AUSOME mom, I had to confront my subconscious taunt to satisfy “societal norms” by sending him to Kindergarten. But, that’s not what’s best for him at this moment (I’ll elaborate on that in #whenmalloryparents).
Mind you, all this happened within one minute.
Then, I started to think about the other things that USED TO CAUSE me anxiety at this time of the year and while being a teacher during the school year. Here’s what I was able to come up with (I'm sure I missed something in my list, but here are the heavy hitters!):
Summer ending…Summer ENDING?!?!?! It’s my favorite season, and I never wanted to “end” at the end of July/beginning of August. And now, summer doesn’t end until summer actually ends. That’s a HUGE relief for me. Now, I'll be able to experience the seasons as they begin and end on the Gregorian calendar. And since I’m now working for myself, I’ll have flexibility ALL YEAR LONG. 👏🏾
Classroom setup- For years, I used my own time and resources to set my classroom up because the time that you have during your contract time is not enough and budget funds can't be used until after the school year starts. I sure won’t miss doing bulletin boards and decorating a classroom.
Lesson planning-As a music educator, the curriculum was set, but the resources you can use to teach the standards was abundant. I was blessed to have an abundance of resources, but it was always so overwhelming. Before the school year started, I spent a lot of my teacher prep time doing lesson planning. As a person who struggles with planning my own personal life for a year in advance, it certainly was a struggle to plan 6 year-long curriculum plans. During the school year, I found myself on the couch all day on Sunday doing lesson planning (I’m a perfectionist, and I spent a lot of time with kids during the school day). That’s time I could’ve spent with myself or my family. I can’t get it back, but I relish in the fact that I don’t have to spend time doing that anymore.
Needing to take off work- This was a big one for me, especially during the Pandemic. In other situations, if one needs to be off, if they have accumulated the time, they are able to take the time off. Not in the education profession. It was VERY stressful to find a substitute teacher for elementary music. Who has the energy to sit and call a list of subsitutes to see if they’re available when my son is sick and I’ve stayed up ALL NIGHT with him? What if I just want to take a mental health day? I know that all educators have to make sure they have lesson plans for the subsitute. But, for a teacher like me who literally had plans written down but planned while teaching the lesson, it was always difficult for me to have lesson plans available for others. It was more work to be gone than to just show up to work. It was not until the COVID cooties got me that I had a pivotal moment. When I had COVID, I was called for lesson plans while I was in the hospital trying to breathe. I was on oxygen and couldn’t walk even to the bathroom by myself, yet, I had my husband, who also had COVID and was home with our little one, bring my laptop to the hospital so I could do lesson plans. My oxygen levels were at 85% on the pulse oximeter, and the school was calling me for some lesson plans (not to say ANYTHING about my fantastic administrators…they were doing what they were supposed to do and under heavy pressure, as we all were).
I knew that was the end of the road for me. That was it. I didn’t deserve that for myself or my family. I was a full-time educator at work and a full-time mom and wife when I got home. The only time I got to rest was when I laid down. And even then, I didn’t get sleep because I had anxiety about my son’s well-being, him not sleeping well, Husband needs attention, or simply anxiety keeping me up at night. Tired on top of tired! The very least I deserved is to be able to take the time I had accumulated off and unbothered. But, I digress.
As a result of turning in my resignation, I felt the anxiety in that area of my life slowly lifting. Like I mentioned in an earlier blog, I feel amazingly free. I didn’t even know that I was so weighted down by the anxiety of my job. I feel more present with my family and incredibly free!
Case in point: look at my scale report from April-June. I released some stress weight!
I loved my schools, the people in it, and the families we serve. It was never about that part. It's the job itself. Elements of the public education system could be compared to prison system for both the educator (retirement system, restrictive curriculum, PLSF Pre-Biden, etc.) and students (walking in straight and quiet lines, gender-specific bathrooms, free food that’s questionable in nutrition, etc).
I'm looking forward to volunteering at the schools I just left, but I no longer have to have the anxiety that goes along with teaching. God bless all the teachers trying hard to grasp at the last days, hours, minutes, and seconds of their faux freedom that society calls “Summer Break”. For the record, it is hardly a break, as teachers are constantly thinking about/planning for/working for the upcoming school year throughout the “Summer Break”. ✊🏾I stand in solidarity with you.
If you’re STILL reading this, this is a sign: please show some love to your student's teachers….ALL OF THEM! (Shoutout to the “I have 5 or less years left, and I have to have my retirement but I’m TIRED” teachers!) They work their ASSES off with no rewards and at the expense of energy to take care of and spend time with their OWN families. They would protect your child with their lives if they had to (it's not written in the contract, but knowing the people I worked with and their love for kids, they wouldn't hesitate), and they love on and try their best to keep your child engaged throughout the day. Some of your babies make it a whole lot harder than others…and you know who I’m talking about!
Oh, and while you're buying tax-free school supplies in MO this weekend (8/5/22-8/7/22), don't forget to help teachers out by buying something off their Amazon lists, fill those buses up, or buy double supplies if you can. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!
🗣 I SAID WHAT I SAID BECAUSE I CAN!
*grabs 🎤 and channels Big Freedia*
🎵Release ya anger, release ya mind,
Release ya job, release the time,
Release ya trade, release the stress,
Release the love, forget the rest!🎵
Alexa, play "Break My Soul" by Beyoncé.
Real-life footage of me dancing to the song above! (AKA my absolute FAVORITE GIF!)
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