If you're reading this, I would like to thank you for your willingness to keep up with my blog posts. When I first started writing my thoughts out, I intended just to get the thoughts I had out of my head. I didn’t expect the emotions I have to unpack and process while reliving the memories I’m writing about. Over the years, I’ve learned to cope with trauma in my life by forgetting about the events…packing the memory away in boxes in my brain. However, at this point in my life, those bags…those memories… are getting heavier by the minute. And even though I put those memories away, the residuals floating around my subconscious affect my everyday life, leaving me no choice but to deal with them, authentically feel all the feelings, and heal from them. #dealfeelandheal
It was not until recently that I became aware that I was not “feeling all my feelings”. Like many STRONG ALPHA WOMEN, I have often suppressed my feelings for several reasons:
Too much in my life depends on me being “ok” on a mental, physical, and emotional level.
I felt like if I felt all my feelings, what would happen to who/what depends on me to be “ok”?
I FEEL like if I felt all my feelings at once, how far down will my feelings take me? Would I lose complete control of myself? I can’t chance not being ok because of the formerly listed reasons.
Feeling feelings is uncomfortable when you’re used to not feeling them at all.
I’ve been gaslighting myself…saying things like “look how blessed I am despite _____________. It could be a whole lot worse” instead of giving myself permission to feel my feelings. It’s not about how I feel compared to others if I truly feel what I’m feeling. I don't have to look for the silver lining in every situation.
Being a natural people pleaser, I haven’t felt that feeling my feelings were permitted. People expect me to be happy, joyful, fun, and social. They don’t expect anything else. (CHECK ON THE PEOPLE YOU CONSIDER STRONG…WE ARE NOT OK!)
My permission to feel was stolen from me during my formative years when I was denied my feelings about my parents' divorce and living apart from my mom. The adults around me were too busy feeling their feelings and imposing them on me like they were my feelings to feel…that there was no room for the feelings that belonged to me.
There may be more reasons, but these are the major ones I can think of.
Therapy has been instrumental in my healing journey. A therapist has no personal investment in your life and will challenge your indoctrinated position by asking you probing questions based on what you say and offering empathy with sound objectivity to offer a different perspective. If I were left to deal with, feel, and heal myself, I know I’d stumble harder through it that what I’m doing now. Am I still stumbling through it? Certainly! But, I feel comforted knowing there’s someone to figuratively “hold my hand and lift me up” as I move through it all.
Now, I can proclaim when I’m not ok by saying, “I am not ok.” And I’m ok with that.
Thank you for being patient as I ruminate through all these thoughts and big feelings. I would like to encourage you to #dealfeelandheal by starting your healing journey.
*grabs 🎤 and uses my Erykah Badu voice*
🎶One day, all dem bags gon’ get in your way! 🎶
Every step forward is a step in the right direction. And as you move forward, remember to….
*grabs 🎤 and uses my Erykah Badu voice*
🎶Pack light!🎶
Alexa, play “Bag Lady” by Erykah Badu
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