TRIGGER WARNING: Discussion of Violation of Physical Boundary
Greetings to all my revolutionary people! I hope that you were able to gain some valuable insight from my reflections in my last post and had a chance to listen to the song I posted in response.
The physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental grit I’ve displayed over this year cannot properly be reflected in words, but I’m doing my best to translate it. I’ve grown so much, the figurative 'pot’ I was blooming in became too small, so I took the liberty of transferring myself to another one… (my plants have taught me so much about LIFE, and I can’t wait to write about it). I’m so proud of myself.
Photography by VicxPics
Here are the last 5 life-changing lessons I learned since I resigned from my job:
6. Setting boundaries is healthy.
All my life, I’ve been free in love and energy. Hard to contain and hard to control. I've always been the natural and free me. Unfortunately, my physical boundaries were violated at a very young age, and when I was finally brave enough to say it aloud to an adult who was supposed to protect me, they instead chose not to believe me. So, I kept silent and didn’t advocate for myself a lot, especially sexually. It immediately manifested into a people-pleasing trauma response. I struggled to advocate for myself in spaces that mattered. There are so many things in my life I wish I could have said and didn’t say it. I didn’t realize until I left my teaching job that I was also perpetuating my people-pleasing trauma response in teaching. It certainly didn’t help me to learn how to set boundaries. I’d never show up at school early, but I would frequently stay later than my colleagues. I was exhausting myself to no end and coming home with ZERO energy for my family or myself. I loved my students, but I decided my life-changing boundary was going to be to CHOOSE to give MYSELF oxygen before giving others my energy and not cater to their feelings of disdain or disapproval. It’s exhausting to try to please everyone all the time.
When I made this choice for myself, then my reality started shifting. Once I prioritized myself, I had to put boundaries in place that were not originally set, and in turn, some loved ones (blood and not) dropped to the wayside, and others started coming into my life. The ones close to me are just now starting to come to grips with the New Me. It was difficult for them to accept at first, but it feels so freeing to me. I’m working on my input to have a better output, and I’m giving myself permission to do so. *inhale, exhale*.
7. Financial Literacy is so important!
So, it goes without saying, it’s hard to go from two incomes to one income. We honestly didn’t have the most solid plan, and in turn, we’ve had some hard financial moments. I pulled out all of my retirement money, and I was taxed HEAVILY. I didn’t realize just HOW MUCH I’d be taxed on my own money I was putting away. We decided to convert our rental properties into Section 8 rentals using our OWN money, and we never created a budget. I personally didn’t adjust how I was spending for our household to accommodate the loss of income. All those actions are rooted in financial ignorance. It has propelled me in a space of making sure I actually learn all I can know about playing the game of capitalism and not just trial and erroring this game. I want to be confident in my financial competence, not just confident that I’m competent.
8. The people you live with are ALWAYS #1!
I owe my husband and son a public apology. My husband, the most, because when I was exhausting myself for everyone outside the home and being pleasing to everyone else, he was neglected, unattended to, and missed out on the best parts of me because I depleted my energy so much outside the home and didn't have it to give when I got home. When my son was 12 weeks old, I handed him over to the daycare workers to care for him, love on him, and know him more than I knew him (most of his caregivers have been amazing!). Because they spent more time with him, his daycare teachers were the ones who saw that RII was showing markers of ASD. They tapped me into getting him into the First Steps program and ultimately, that led us to ABA Therapy. Now, I’m home, available, and present for both of them. Raymond and I are having the deepest conversations we’ve ever had and our love is growing exponentially... I'm glad we reunited to continue to grow together, even through the hurting times. RII is blossoming and wanting to do all the things he’s not done…ever. Literally catching up with himself. It’s a beautiful thing to witness. Personally, I found a love for plants, and I’m learning so much about plants and LIFE as I take care of them. The plants have taught me so much about myself (Blog dropping about this topic in the future). Ultimately, the great risk had great reward! It’s not always about financial gain.
9. Your network will forever be your net worth!
My daddy has always told me that it's not what I know but who I know. I remember when I first encountered this adage as an adult. I was about to transition out of college, and I was student teaching. My cooperating teacher at the time encouraged me to ask the principal for a mock interview since she knew I’d be looking for a job. He agreed, and during the mock interview, he was gracious enough to coach me as I answered the questions he asked me. Two weeks later, I was offered a job in another building because he was able to use that experience with me to give me a recommendation. I accepted the job and taught for 14 years in the same district I student taught in.
I’m no longer in a physical career space every day, but my network (career and beyond) still allows for my name to infiltrate spaces where I no longer have a presence. Wherever I’ve left my energy, it’s still there. And now that I have a notary business, I’m not the best marketer for my business, but my network promotes me!
Kindness toward others is not only free to give, but it’s priceless when it boomerangs back to you. Make connections and ask ALL the questions. You never know what you’ll learn and you never know what you need to know or receive from others. Invest in yourself by creating powerful relationships!
10. I am not my job.
This is the heaviest lesson of all. I mentioned Eckhart Tolle’s book “A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose” in the blog post about my first five lessons. He dedicated a whole chapter to pre-established/temporary roles, self-definitions, and ego. He says,
“Of course, different people fulfill different functions in this world. It cannot be otherwise. As far as intellectual or physical abilities are concerned – knowledge, skills, talents, and energy levels – human beings differ widely. What really matters is not what function you fulfill in this world, but whether you identify with your function to such an extent that it takes you over and becomes a role that you play. When you play roles, you are unconscious. When you catch yourself playing a role, that recognition creates a space between you and the role. It is the beginning of freedom from the role. When you are completely identified with a role, you confuse a pattern of behavior with who you are, and you take yourself very seriously. You also automatically assign roles to others that corresponding to yours. For example, when you visit doctors who are totally identified with their role, to them you will not be a human being but a patient or a case history.
Although the social structures in the contemporary world are less rigid than in ancient cultures, there are still many pre-established functions or roles that people readily identify with and which thus become part of the ego. This causes human interactions to become inauthentic, dehumanized, alienating. Those pre-established roles may give you a somewhat comforting sense of identity, but ultimately, you lose yourself in them. The functions people have in hierarchical organizations, such as the military, the church, a government institution, or a large corporation, easily lend themselves to becoming role identities. Authentic human interactions become impossible when you lose yourself in a role” (p. 58-59).
Y'ALL!
I LOST MYSELF IN THE TEACHING ROLE! Do you know why? Because I no longer identified as Mallory, the woman who_________(insert everything I am)_________, but only identified as Mallory the Educator. I would make sure that everywhere I went, people knew that I was a teacher. But now that I identify as me and not a role, I notice when others do it. Tolle says it’s attached to the ego’s need to have power, superiority, specialness, psychological gratification, or to thrive on others’ attention.
Because I actually am really good at playing roles (Life Path 3…#IYKYK), I was unconsciously unable to create space between me and the role I was playing. Therefore, I was entrapped in the role. Once I became conscious that there needed to be a space between me and the role, I was able to see how free I could be from the role. That jumpstarted my manifestation of the formal exit from my career teaching gig and other roles I assumed in my life.
I now catch myself when I try to establish who I am to others or people ask me “what do I do” right after they ask me my name. For our ego, we need to know what others do so our egoic self can create a “mental image not only of who the other person is, but also of who [we] are, especially in relation to the person [we] are interacting with” (p. 60). Therefore, “[we] are not relating with that person at all, but who [we] think [we] are is relating to who [we] think the other person is and vice versa” (p. 60). This creates inauthentic relationships, and the person I am and continue to become craves authentic relationships.
Ultimately, dismantling inauthenticity in my life required me to dismantle my unnatural connection to my chosen career path. In turn, this has allowed me to see that everyone is living the life they manifested on a subconscious level. We all have the power to change whatever we want to change about our present. Furthermore, it ushers in agape love for all things. What a domino effect this has had on my life!
In conclusion, my enlightenment has made me:
Confront and release any unconscious or conscious fears and insecurities I was holding
Attune to, strengthen, trust, and follow my intuition
Seek, develop, and refine my authentic truths.
Make changes where necessary.
Believe it or not, I’m still a work in progress, but I love the space I’m in! Thanks for tuning in.
Alexa, play “Strength, Courage, and Wisdom” by India Arie. Enjoy this version from Quarantine.
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